My council decided that they'd come with the journey as an educative activity to them. And the bus was full.
A few days before we'd start off everything looked chaotic in the office and I thought I'd save the situation by not going at all - anyway, since I would get my brother's car and I would overnight at our mother's, no hotel room had been booked for me. But I then thought of my brother, having made all the arrangements, and my mother, sure waiting for me to come, and I pulled myself together, forgot about the chaos in the office and started off with the others.
There was some problem about my car - where to put it during the journey. Where I work it has become restless and I could not figure out any safe place for it there, so my husband drove me really early in the morning 100 km to the bus, and then he drove back home with my car. So my car was not left unattended in where I work. Had it been left there, it had been there for who knows how long. Nobody knows in which condition we'd ever have got it back. And yet this is just material things.
While we were on our way, my brother called us and made inquiries about where we were, and counted out when we'd be in the hotel. He counted pretty right, but then also he was a professional about transportation and buses. When we were there, I called him and he had just left from work, said the timing was perfect, and he'd drive to collect me from the hotel. It was storming, it was raining like I have never seen before. He drove his car as near the hotel building wall as possible so that I'd get in the car without getting too wet from the rain. While in the car with my luggage, he backed and drove under the service station roof so that we could change seats - I had to learn to drive his car which I had never driven before.
He was really peaceful and calm as he explained about the car and answered my questions, and if I made something wrong when driving and trying to follow the instructions, he did not say anything. He answered every question as if it had been a very clever one, and there was no impatience in him at all. There never was, he was like that. I thought he might be nervous, having me driving his car in that storm - I could only see about 0,5 meters ahead from the rain. I asked him if he'd like to change the driver. He waved his hand towards the stormy rain outside the car and said, Just look at that weather - what do you think would I like to go out there? I had to laugh though I was horrified that I'd ruin his car before I could drive him home!
We changed the drivers as soon as there was another service station along the road, and I could drive under the roof and we could change seats. He drove to his home so safely - and I was so relieved.
When we were in his garden, it started raining ice - huge hard snow bites - and my brother got worried of his car, the painting would get damaged in that weather. And there was something else in his garage so that he could not drive his car in there. I said I'd pull out that whatever it was, if he could turn the car in the garden so that it could be driven in.
It was not actually the way it should have been done - the rain - or ice - was pouring down heavily and I would get thoroughly soaked but I just felt that I could not take the turn the car part because it was his car which I did not want to ruin and I could not see anything - and he knew his own garden - AND it was not too much for me to pull out that whatever from the garage.
Okey, I got soaked... and took off a few of the upper clothes I had on as we went in, and sat down in his dining saloon. I hung the wet clothes to dry a bit on the chairs in the saloon, and somehow while we talked I mentioned that I had no battery charged anymore in my cell phones, could not use either of them. He said he had equipment so we could recharge them - but I told him the cell phones were in my handbag which was in the car. He said, Handbag - and what does that look like? - and when I had told him he ran out in the rain to get me my handbag from the car - even though he knew he would get completely soaked there. Came in with the handbag, changed his clothes while I was looking for the cell phones, and then recharged the batteries.
We talked about staying fit when getting older, I praised him for having stayed fit still, told him that as for me it was history, had not seen a healthy day after the first childbirth but okey - that was life.
We talked about my son, his godson, and his studies.
We might have exchanged a few ideas about gardening too, he had been worried the rain would damage his flower bush - similar to what I had in my garden.
And we talked about the moped he was restoring. I was thrilled about it. We even went to see it but when i was asked afterwards where it was then - I could not recall.
If I asked about the chess champs he had been going to attend he only said he was not going, and I asked no further. There was a tragedy hidden in it, but I only knew about it later.
As the rain eased I said I'd go on with my journey. He asked if I'd like him to back the car to the street and I said yes thanks, and so he did, stood out of the car and gave the last instructions, and then tried to advice me on how to get to the main road from his place. He remained standing there on the street as I drove away. It was the last time I saw him alive.
I have a friend... a very dear one... to whom I always want to be available. Maybe he does not know it and it is an old habit from times past when he had not settled down the way he now has... I don't really remember why but it has happened that he has phoned me in incredible hours, or sent sms:s - and he has always been available for me too if I have needed him. Anyway, I always have my private cell phone on, just always. Except for that next day when I had it off, because of guided tours our group had, and concerts.
The entire day was full of program and at about midnigt, I was walking down the dark aisle in the far end of which I had parked my brother's car. I saw that another car was there, parked behind my brother's car, and that it had lights on. But while I walked towards the car, the other car did not drive off. It was obvious that it was waiting. Was it for me? Nobody knew about me and the car. Nobody except my near ones - and none of them could be here. Was it for my brother? It had to be. He had had troubles with criminals, both at his work and privately, he had taken them to court, he had been beaten, he had been threatened... was this now something of it? I was scared. There was not a soul anywhere near. No one would hear or see. What a perfect place indeed...
I took a breath and walked further. My brother had not done anything wrong. He had done what was right, and he had not been afraid of consequences. I would not be either. Whatever come may, I had not done anything wrong either. I pressed the remote control to unlock the car, and at the same time the other car came alive. Doors on both sides opened simultaneously and two men climbed out, quickly - and the other one of them looked just like a gerilla. They asked if I was me.. I said yes and knew already that it was not about criminals, it was something else. I saw the identity card hanging in the other one's neck. He told me who he was - from the criminal police of that town he said, and immediately after that he told me that he had sad news to tell me - my brother had died accidentally the night before in his house, in a fire.
I leaned on the car and said oh no... it was all I could say but I went to some sort of shock anyway though I tried to be calm - I could not understand how I should drive to get to the police station they asked me to come with them, so in the end the other one of them said he'd come with me in my brother's car - and showed his ID card to me so that I'd know I did not have to take whosoever in my car - but I told him I had seen it already.
They told me in the police station, it was past midnight, what had happened. I heard all the rude details... much of it I have never told to my mother.
They had been trying to reach me the entire day. They had even called my husband - who had realized they were looking for MY car (since they knew I had a car, they thought it was my own car) and not my brother's car, and called them back. He also gave them my schedule for that day.
And so they finally found me, after an entire day's searching in three towns.
I remember very well the drive to mother's... to my and my brother's farm which had all of a sudden become mine... after midnight, past all those queuing Russian trucks, to the East, knowing that I'd have to tell mother her son had died. Is there a more awful task? I had been talking on the phone to my husband and also to the student I had with me in the journey. She had promised to take the bus and the people home. I'd stay.
God had taken away my brother. He had arranged me to be in town when it happened, although I live 500 km apart and not visit him or my mother each and every day - or week - indeed not. He had arranged me to see my brother and talk to him before his death, and to be in frequent connection with him the past weeks.
He had arranged me to be there for mother, so that she'd not have to face it alone.
He had even arranged my brother to give me his car. Without that car we could not have been able to arrange everything - my car was 500 km away and our farm is far away from anything, in a remote village near the Russian border. I stayed there for 1 week, we got a lot of things done and arranged during that time - funeral, announcements, things like that - really a lot to do and lots of places to go. My family came there too, as soon as my husband got free from his work.
It does not sound like much when I calmly type it down here. But it was such a thing that it spoke to almost everyone who heard of it. There are too many coincidences, there can't be so many.
God took away my brother.... preparations were made and we were part of them ourselves without knowing it.... he was part of them himself without having any idea of it... everything worked for God's plan... he made it as easy for mother and me as possible...
Why? Why did He take all the bother... I mean for mother okey but for me - why?
At the same time He put us both in a completely new situation. I have been forced to grow up a lot, and take such responsibility I never had before, and never imagined I'd have either. As for the farm: we owned it together... but I somehow always thought he'd take care of it... as well as he took care of mother, at least partly.
But He gives tasks, He gives strength, He gives wisdom. Just that I know I will not, never, manage this without Him. I need Him and His advice and I need to lean on Him, I need to know that even if I make mistakes, He has the power to correct them. So I can go on working in the field He gave me, not knowing why He did so but trusting that this is good.
Still, I miss my brother. And I am grateful to him too. I have always driven pick-ups and although they have been good... they have been very harmful to my back which is getting worse, a few joints are vanishing. Thanks to his car I can probably manage a few years more. But I'd give all away if I'd get him back -just that I can't.
This also shows to me, always, till the end of my life, that anyone can go away any time, any day. It is my habit to worry about family members and friends and work mates and all... this does not decrease my worrying.
And one question remains - why am I still here? People die around me - and I am the most ill of them all, and I am still here. It makes me humble about my life. It is a gift I have got - and it matters how I use the days I have got. Each morning is a new grace, as the psalm says. It is. Each damn achy morning when it is difficult to get up and get going - is a grace. It is God's mercy to me, it is His love coming real. Each aching joint or muscle just tells me I am alive. Thanks!
